Nov 9, 2007

Kuya Hurts BS

Today Lj, Maxine , Anjo, BS and Igi Boy (all my nieces and nephew) except for BS (he is my son) went to a store to buy some food to eat for an early morning merienda. Then Bien studied his lessons. He had the tendency to be careless in his examinationbut then again bata pa kasi. So we are starting to train him to manage his time for studying and playing.

During cooking time for our lunch, me and my elder brother were having a funny time together. He was only teaching me the wrong style of cooking caldereta. He was really thinking that I dont know the recipe (heheheee..napahiya tuloy ang kuyaa).

Then I heard my son crying in pain. I should know that he is in pain....
Bien is shouting "aray kooo....aray ko..." and also he was crying. In his voice I felt that he was not only in pain but also he was very scared.

From my Kuya Erwin's room I saw him running to get inside my room. I left my eldest kuya and run to Bien but the door is already closed. My son closed it. He was fearful that his Tito Erwin might follow him to hurt him again.
I knocked the door and called his name.
I tried to sound very calm.
I told him its mommy.
Things are okey now..
I am here..

He opened the door with eyes clouded with big tears continuously falling down on his cheeks.
You know, I tried to keep my feeling but really, I can not help it. When I hugged him, I cried. We cried while we were hugging each other.
If you can only feel every beat of my sons heart, you will hate my brother.

The two of us have unresolved issues.
It was not being talked about.
I dont even remember how it started.
Why we hate each other.
Why the two of us do not spend time even saying hello or hi whenever we passed on each other in any place be it in the mall, in school, in our home or even during our eating time. It has been years... maybe since my birthdate.

Kuya Owe and my mom followed me.

"What happened to my friend? Kawawa naman ang friend ko.." Kuya Owe consoles my son. I have a cute little smile on my face hearing my brother speaking in english. This was the first time I heard him using that language. Though my heart is in pain, I was smiling.

From her garden, mommy was with us.She asked my son if he touches his Tito's thing. Bien in his distress just continue crying. Bien touched my Kuya's mountain bike. He only played the wheel then my brother thrown him the small squared clock. It was his left eye that was hit.

Knowing my mom who is always apologetic , she will never confront my brother. I know she is only waiting for the right time.

I wonder why despite of his ogre attitude God still showered him with blessings (forgive me Lord for questioning you). Kind wife, patient parent, wonderful siblings, intelligent pamangkins, high-paid work, healthy baby boy and many more. Yet, he is still bitter. He is aloof to us (me and my other brothers). He must have millions of hatred molecules for me.

"Mommy, I dont cry now." Bien told me. Then I realized that my room was now crowded. All my nephew and nieces were there consoling my son while no one had ever tried getting near my kuya.

I took Bien to the bathroom. While going downstair, I saw him watching TV in our living room. Frozen face.
"Kuya..." I confronted him
"Okey lang na sinasaktan mo ako nung maga bata pa tayo o kahit nung malalaki na tayong tao pero yung saktan mo ang anak ko, ibang usapan na yan"
I also told him that he could have told me what was wrong. Huwag naman yung sya pa ang manakit sa batang ALAM NAMAN NIYANG ME TRAUMA NA.
While telling him that I wanted top see his face. I wanna know how would he react to me. But I couldn't .....My tears were over flowing.... my voice was trembling.... I was so hurt....a hurt that came from my yesterday and was only triggered today.
I hate him.
I really do hate him.
I only realized that t.o.d.a.y.

In the most positive way I can, I explained to Bien the situation while bathing him.

My brother went inside the bathroom.
To my surprise, I did not feel anything.
Shittt..... ganito pala ang namanhid na.
You are like a stone.
So cold and so still.

I hate him for hurting Bien.
I pretended not to see him.
He was invincible to me.
I despised the day he was born to be my brother.
I can not despised the family I was with, only him.
t was my second eldest brother who actuallyu made my life miserable.
My Mom, Dad, and two other brothers shared with me their love.
I am so thankful for that.

"Love , sorry na talaga" My kuya told me.
Shocks first time na nagsorry.
Ang hari.... nag sorryyy...
"Dapat pala sinabi ko na lang sa yo. Di ko na man napigilan feelings ko." He added.

I did not answered. Forgiving man ako na tipo, pero at that time nag stock-up ANG THROAT KO.

"Okey lang Kuya. Andami ko na sigurong kasalanan sayo ano? Kaya pati anak ko na hyper active hate na hate mo rin. He is still on theraphy, dapat naiintindihan mo yan kasi ikaw naman ang oinakamatalino sa pamilyang ito. " I told him while pretending to busy washing my sons feet.

He get near my son and hold Bien's head.... He said sorry to BS and walked away.

Wow! Shocks... kahit papaano my brother is different now. He knows how to say sorry already!!! I know I am a sweet person, but I was not swept away by him.
Feeling ko he will always be hurting me emotionally.

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