Jan 31, 2007

For my fren JAYVEE

You asked me onetime when can you achieve your dreams and what else to do to achieve it?

You have your choice as always.

On Tina Arena's burn she was saying this:

Be anyone you want to be, bring to life your fantasy and I want something in return
I want you to burn like a candle in my eyes, burn, burn for me.

Now that you are decided to become a writer, I will say the same thing fren….. Burn, burn like a candle . Lay down all your fantasies but in return you have to burn, BURN friend.


Turning the Tide

I realized one thing in this life. People who are secure can be the best advocates and friends simply because they aren’t concerned with what others think of them. They can hub on relationships and situations with buoyancy.

My officemates were also been plagued with insecurities maybe in their personal lives and in the office as well…. Exactly just like me then. All the while we were riding the same boat and I am so glad that I had deal with them head-on.

I had now affirmed my self with the knowledge that God made me a unique and wondrous person. Indeed, I am amazed with how I deal my relationship to others.

While searching my own heart I have seen that it was full of grudges. It is difficult to set the angst free from me.

I was surrounded with unlovable person.

Lets start it with my story about the mother of my husband.

Mama Vicky and I had this undeclared war. Fighting for who's important person in her son's life. Making our life different financially and emotionally. But then as I prayed to help me love and understand her, He put us in a situation where we have no choice but love each of our weaknesses.

A new person in us was born.

As I was wandering alone in JS Gaisano thinking about how to make my self a better person, I saw mama walking alone in pain. Looking old and frustrated. I know why. She had problems with Napier´s involvement in drugs. His name was listed in the so called druglist of Mayor Duterte (Sikat baya si Mayor tungod pud ani aside sa iyang Davao death Squad). Luckily, one of the policeman who was supposed to draw a red cross in her doorstep at Dacoville tried to talk to her first. Secretly trying to help her how would Nap do away with this problem without her being humiliated by the neighborhoods that her son is involved in this mess. ( It is known in Davao that when the police put a red cross in your doorstep, it means a warning that the owner of the house were dealing this illegal drugs.)

God knows me better than I know my self.

I felt her pain while watching her so loose. I suddenly realized that I care about her and what she is going through.

I run to her…. hugged her…. cried with her…… God allowed me that time to become her good listener and a strong shoulder to cry on. I see her through. I let God to selflessly lift all the pains I have for her. It is quite a miracle that after that incident, I felt no hatred for her… not even a trace. Believed me … I love her friend…. All this time I love her. She is one of the best person I know. Manipulative as she may be but she is very sincere and full of love. I am so lucky to have her!!!!

The pains inflicted to each other is now a past tense.

"One doesn’t love inorder to to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way we are perceiving the other as a simple object and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous person. This is nothing to do with love. We are feeding our own pride, our own ego. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God" (By the River Piedra I sat down and Wept of Paulo Coelho).

Mama Vicky is just another Pilar of the story.

That incident encouraged me to become a good Christian.

We have been facing challenges together. Helping Ervien gain back his confidence, nurturing BS' traumatic experience from his yaya and saving Shane's soul who has been shedding tears in darkness for so long. Were partners now. She can be herself as I can always be me whenever we are with each other. No more hang ups… no more pretensions. Anyhow we have the same goal and that is to make the family healthy and productive.

Ervien on the other hand is becoming a confident person. He knows what he want and knows what to do in order to achieve it. Don’t know much about fear for just being him and most of all whenever we are together with his mother he can now speak his mind. Wow , that’s my boy!!!

When I need to be weak, I am now assured that my husband can swept all my fears away. His hugs and kisses are now therapeutic. I can feel his soul consoling mine. His being confident reminds me of the man who show to the lady of Eleven Minutes (by Paulo again)the road to Santiago. Friend, all my heartaches and pain are falling away. Its like a raindrops dropping from heaven.

I can easily appreciate the laughter of the children while playing in the rain, the chirping of the birds whenever I wake every morning, the way Shane timidly smiles for me, the way my husband find peace in his solitary moment whenever his with us and most of all the way God send you to me. I no longer wonder why after all these years we only strengthen our friendship now because God made it in his own perfect timing. Two insecure friends will not make a good foundation for friendship unless we want to be a soldier fighting for nothing.

We are very lucky fren. We are loved. We can do anything in creation. There´s no part at all to understand whats happening because everything happens within us. In the story of the boy in the alchemist, even men can turn themselves into wind. As long as the wind helps. Then the wind on the other hand upon knowing the heart and desires of the boy realized that it also has limitations because it knew nothing about love (The Alchemist page 144-154:The story of the very confident wind).

Thank God for speaking the same language with you.

Till here. I love you Friend.

God bless you in many ways.

(A letter being sent to my fren Jei, who felt at this point that life is unfair. She also wanna know what happened between me and my mother in-law, kung bakit close na kami ngayon, sa kabila ng lahat.....)

Misty Years

(darkness: 2001-2004)

Whenever I looked at the mirror, I can see a woman who is no longer happy with her life.

My God, could it be true that she is nothing? This woman slowly believes in what she is feeling about her surrounding. Her workplace, her in-laws and her husband.

In her workplace, there are people who keeps her down. In fact experts at deflecting blame on her. She was being drawn in owning their failures until they think that this lady became a big loser.

She is also encountering some inevitable disappointments and loss of freedom caused by her mother-in-law from the day she conceived her first grandson until she got married, delivered the baby and even during the days of being together with her husband as a wife and a mother.

Thinking that her husband will just be there for a consolation that he cares about what she is going through. But he doesn’t show up. Physically he is but emotionally he wasn’t. He downplayed her pain. Denied the situation. Blinded. She became numb. Bitter. Crippled her relationship to herself which causes her to react in unbecoming ways.

Her husband cant even decide for his own self. He was also in prison as she was becoming to be like him. Puppet. Weak. Poor. Dictated by his own mother.

While her son is also suffering from a disorder in which the doctor can not even diagnosed its kind. All she knows is that the child acts like a human tornado. Can't stay in one place even for two minutes. Echoing what you are just going to tell him. Has a difficulty in expressing himself. At three years old, he still can't talk well. Can't look at you straight in eyes during a conversation. He might be an autistic child. God forbid!!!!

They are no longer free to be their own selves.

This is a social situation were she is easily preoccupied with her own insecurities.

She has been a diligent worker, kind colleague , loving wife, understanding daughter-in-law and just to make everybody happy, she has been trying to be obedient to all.

She kept her anger to herself until she could no longer connect to the woman in the mirror facing her. Then I realized that the woman in the mirror is me. To figure out, I just lost my affection for my self.

Giving myself a break

The moment I realized that the woman I was seeing in the mirror is me, I paused for a while and told my self ´Hey, for heavens sake, give yourself a break! My husband and my son needs me. I am stronger than them so I should pull them out from this mess! (Instead of them pulling me down)

I realized to make a difference without risking my physical and emotional health.

From this day on, I will deal with my own failures and must put them behind me.

My son is now walking in front of me presumably asking for a dodo. He must be very hungry now. According to Victor Hugo: Youth , even in its sorrows, has a brilliancy of its own. So in my own interpretation, I must find beauty in every stage of my son's life.

Youth is fleeting and yet it is a critical time for establishing a balance self image and positive attitude. I will invest my time, kindness and patience to BS. In Gods grace, he will soon recover and will also live a healthy life just like any other kids.

If I am going to continue nagging my husband it will only rob me my best. I must talk to him and dearly try to bring out the best in him. I know he loves me more than I love him.

I should also require my self to practice the skill of listening and determination. To master it, I must be willing to spend more time to my mother-in-law while closing my mouth and consciously focus in every words she's saying. I know one day, I will be given the chance to be heard and I will make a difference in her life as a true listener who will listen with ears, head and heart.

Saint-Exupery once written that there is no joy, except in human relations.

I will begin today to put people first in my life. I will start with Mama, Ervien and BS.

Now looking at the mirror again, I can see my self smiling honestly after 3 years of holding on to my pains. Its been a while nursing a grudge in my heart. It affects me and everyone around. The feelings are deeply engraved in my heart. Now I realized that it only weakens my relationship to other people.

I have to let go of these resentment. I hope to have a miracle when I begin my step to a happy life today.

Later I have to honestly open everything to my beloved husband(when he gets home of course). Words are power! I must have put every words lovingly to him for tomorrow I will report to my office again to hand on my resignation.

My son needs me so I shouldn’t hide anymore. Anyway, its never too late to turn over a new leaf if you really want to make a difference.