My asthma friend is now visiting me.
Maybe because I got tired today or I am just excited for my son's graduation tomorrow.
Hahaha Over!!! But honestly I couldn't move much.
Its hard to breath. Just trying to 'catch my air slowly so that I won't be able to feel much pain in my chest.
Got to sleep now...

Welcome home Lex...

I closed my eyes today
Feeling the morning
Shining here beside me

Beside the window of my room
I can see the tree that I've used to climb
when I was younger
Filled of birds
Chirping
Playing
Dancing

It filled my heart with peace
I am home
I feel so belonged

Lord Jesus thank you
for giving me love
and for the chance
of living everyday

Thank you...thank you..thank youu

There is always more to discover. Man can learn, relearn or unlearn the point of everything.
But you see I started blogging just to express my emotions, record it and later in my life have it for my children to read.
I'm always satisfied with my self. I just don't compare for everybody is different.
There was once I lost my confidence but I gained it back.
That dark moment I discover something.
I learned to be humble.
I learned to easily accept things as they are
and most importantly
I learned to care for the feelings of other human.

My work as a government employee for almost 6 years made me a better person both in personal and professional matter. I must admit that I almost felt hell everyday working with questionable personalities. Not all of course. There are some whom I've learn to love.
But I am actually referring to those who did everything even hurting someone's reputation just to get what they wanted~~~ Wicked persona!
It is hard to grow and to become successful in that office.
I go back to school and studied more while almost everybody were trying to grab each other's crown to own the glory.

Finally I was ready to give -up the job. Ready to work alone and for some personal reasons I resigned. In my heart I truly believed that that was only the beginning of my luck. That job was not a LOSS to me. I gained more instead. Fifty times better!!!

I couldn't believed at first but this is the work that I have been dreaming of.
Working on my time.
Paid well enough.
Confidence boasting for you are able to realized that this job needs someone stronger
someone wittier ~~~ ahahha ako yata 'yun.... yekkeeekkekekk~~~.
I learned to appreciate life even more.
Its good to live.
Life is wonderful.
It is now easy for me to share my happiness.
In this stage I met my husband's bestfriend Jayvee....
Well we've known each other since the day Ervien became my boyfriend but she's not really that good to me~~ hehehehe~~.
Civil I may say yes...
but nice?
Hummm...asked her.
I understand that she has mistaken me to be someone hard to deal with.
That is not new anyway.
I keep my silence.
Until she married my good friend Jeph.
It was me who became one of their bearer.
The friendship started.
But not as good as our friendship today.
In my heart, I have always like her.
I always have a spot for intelligent people.
I don't know but they are my weakness.

I've seen her suffering in her office.
Emotionally.
I've felt her soul being imprisoned.
Her urged to fly somewhere is getting stronger
but she's too weak to express it.
You can only see it in her eyes.

I feel her.
So when I was here already in GenSan.
Having my life fixed.
In fact enjoying it.
I tried reaching out to her.
We became now good friends.
She reads a lot.
We shared our books.
Our difference is I am vain and she is perfectionist.
but goshhh.... she keeps her things tidily.
She is a very well organized person.
I love being messy, unique, and hard to follow.
She is tame. She can control her anger. She can even keep her ideas even if its damn so good.
all those qualities are not synonymous to me.
Our likes are the same. Almost.
We've learn loving each other because of that.

This year, I have seen her growing emotionally.
She is stronger.
Yun naman talaga sya eh....
And truly a talented woman.
Sexy inside and out.
Most appealing when she laughs and smile.
She can make a hundred kinds of laughter.
She can do a million kinds of facial expression when angry.
To me those mannerisms are cute.
Tatak Jayvee Jude lang talaga.
The only thing I dont like in her is that she loves to continually inordinate her anxieties.
It is lesser now.
Jei is beginning to feel happy inside.
She's morethan a talent than to deal with negative matter in her surrounding.

Now I continually learn to be friendly.
I gained more personal friends
and gaining more real friends in the net.
Jei and I realized that it is not impossible to meet nice friends in here.

We are so lucky to have Lex as a part of our life.
We thank you for coming in the right time. This is the time when we most needed true friends like you.

It is also funny to be missing them everyday.
Watching and reading those blogs you like most.
Leaving comments and trying to connect with them.
Knowing their insights and thoughts
Letting them recognized you as who you are.

This is freedom.
My wind is taking me to their world.

A child was found in the dark forest alone.
The child was abandoned for dead by his mom and dad.
He did not die in the forest. He survived, not as a child, even though he was physically a human being, he was acting like an animal. He walk on all fours, made his home in a hole in the ground, he dont know any language except for an animal cry, knew no close relationship, cared about no one or no thing except for survival.

The man that was raised like animal will behave like one, for a man “learns” to be human.

Just as a man learns to be a human being, so he learns to feel like human, to love as a human.

In countless studies love is a learned response, a learned emotion.

How a man learns to love seems to be directly related to his ability to learn.

Most of us continue to behave as though love is not learned but lies dormant in human being. We simply wait for some mystical awareness to emerge in full bloom. Many wait for this age forever.

In discussing love, it would be well to consider the following:

One can not give what he does not possess;
To give love , you must posses love

One can not teach what he does not understand
To teach love, you must comprehend love

One can not know how he does not study
To study love, he must live in love

One can not appreciate what he does not recognize
To recognize love you must be receptive to love

One can not admit what he does not yield too
To yield to love you must be vulnerable to love

One cannot live what he does not dedicate to himself. To dedicate your self to love
you must be forever growing in love

Not that I'm feeling like "I know everything about love" here but I'm just telling you my thoughts about loving. The way we love today is the way we are being molded when we are still growing.

When we were newly born we know nothing about love. We are totally ignorant, dependent and vulnerable. If left alone, uncared most likely we will die.
Or if somebody takes care the people surrounding our world will teach us how to love.
If we cries out when hungry,in pain or in discomfort someone will respond, ease our pain, feed our hunger take away our discomfort and that would be our first human attachment. But that's not love were looking for... no matter we still don't know it. But when we grow we will be looking for love. If not found in our family we will be looking for it somewhere or to someone.
As we grow so is our world and so do our attachments.
If the love we have learned is limited then our love is immature, confused,possessive destructive,exclusive and to say the least disrupted.

I can recall the confusion of my friend when she broke-up with her husband took away her two young daughters brought the children home to her mom. Gets out the world again and finally she found someone that completes her. She told me that she is happy. I could see it in her. They lived together leaving her two daughters in her mom, rarely visiting them. The kids grows up with out her in their side. And she can still afford to tell me that She Is HApPy for she have finally found love.

The man loves her. I have no doubt about it for he had taken care of my friend so much. He gives her everything. The man also suffered for love. He grows up with out his father. He told me that he didn't know how it is to have a happy family. He just survived soliciting love from his relatives. He told me that maybe that is why his first marriage was not a success. He don't know how to handle a family. He just know how to love. I was even confused with his statement. Is it really hard to keep the family intact when you're broken while growing up? He was in pain
until she found my friend. His world brightens. And so is my friend. This time I have seen how they love and supported each other. That love was completed by the two of them alone. Her kids was never been a part of them and yet they are happy as lovers.

Recently they broke-up. She was no longer happy with him. She had found another happiness. This time she met the man from this blogworld. The third man in her life has children. The wife was already dead. But they have found love. She was no longer happy with his live-in partner who once completed her and who became our friend also.
She was having a relationship through the net while his live-in partner is busy working to earn for their living.
It is so easy for her to let go of this man. With out any valid reasons. She even told me that she pitied for this guy. He had been so good to her all the time when they were together. And I could say yes. He has been so good to you. He had given you everything....everything kahit di na niya Kaya.

Bakittt para kang hayop magmahal?
Why you can't consider other people's feelings?
Your daughters.
Your old mom who was living alone. You're dad already past-away.
Your Reycomambo who did nothing but pleased and loved you.

She is my friend but I am not blaming her family why she had grown like that.
She was the Irony of my story.
She grows up with love
and yet she's acting like an animal.
Satisfying only her needs.
She was not able to relate her comfort to a human role as a mother, wife, lover and as a friend.
It is not love she needs for his new found man from the net.
One-sided.
It is only an attachment that will lead to the complicated, multi-faceted phenomenon, love.

She is no longer with her live-in partner. They broke-up. That easy....
Nahirapan ang lalaki syempre. Nagalit. Naawa nga ako.

Her new-found love financially supports her though he is still somewhere abroad.
She is now living somewhere. New love nest in her new love. The guy being left is still broken. and yet she is happy.]
She is satisfied.
What struck me was her reactions to be a willing mom for her new boyfriend's children.
She was never been a good mother to her own flesh and blood.
How can it be?

In this case I do not believed that one falls out or in love. She possess no more love to "fall into" or "out of" than what she has and acts out at any precise moment in her life. It seems accurate to say one grows in love. The more she learns, the more her opportunities to change her behavioral responses and then can expand her ability to love. We can constantly growing in love, or dying.

Sa tingin ko lang sa kanya, mahal nya lang ang tao kapag nasasatisfy ang wants nya. "langhiya sa madaling salita napakaselfish nyang tao... yun lang yun.

I'm not perfect and I hope to be able to forgive my self for being less than perfect.

Sorry for publishing my feelings.... I am not yet finished.
I need this blog to unleashed my emotions.
This is I think my therapy of not hating her.

Well, It only proves that to live in love is life's greatest challenge.
Haysss...
heyt this. heavy...
( I already left this one in my draft space but I decided to once again published this. Your hit with my words because we both know the truth. What etiquette are your saying? Flashback... that's all I can say. Truth really hurts but at least I'm happy to know that your giving thoughts for your kids right now. Keep it up!)

It's now midnight and I'm doing my overtime work for my new project to be submitted tomorrow morning. As I said I always do this stuff... you know writing during the deadline.
LAVETT.
Kaya lang ang bad thing naman doon ay 'yung di ako pwedeng kausapin.... geeezzzz.... that set-up won't work to Bien so ako na lang din ang mag-aadjust. I work when he is already sleeping. Katulad ngayon.
Yesterday I've written bad things addressed to one of my finest friend kaya lang I decided not to published it kasi nga baka maka-hurt pa ako ng feelings. Lalo pang lumala kaya huwag na lang. Hayun, nasa draft na lang sya. SPEAKKK WORDS OF KINDNESSS.... washaaa washaaaaa~~~ I will truly tryyy~~~
but... but...
I feel better na rin because I already out-poured it.

My happy moment today was when my father bought me a DVD entitled "Across the Universe" na napag-alaman kong new favorite movie ni Bianca Gonzales.

We just talked about it the other day kasi. I told him that I was curious to see that movie kaya lang when I tried looking for it as in almost the whole day ay wala talaga akong nakita. I love GenSan haa pero materially may mga kulang talaga dito sa market. But as in but there will be no place like GenSan~~~ kahit pa yata nasa New Zealand na kami I will never trade this place eVer!
~Back to Papa~
I don't know how and where did he get it but I really appreciate his effort. Once again despite of my kababawan na struggle with this friend, I feel loved. It matters.
Yeppeee PaPa you always save my day!!!

Transparent akong tao, once I'm hurting you will see it right away. At ang alam ko rin sweet ako kahit pa sa friend lang. I always make her feel special kasi ganun naman talaga sila sa heart ko. Kaya yang mga excuses na distance, busy at kung ano ano pa will really not work for me. I gave effort to reach out but I was taken for granted. As in I traveled for almost 4 hours para lang makarating sa usapan pero biglang naging invinsible lahat. Kaya masama ang loob ko. Kasi feeling ko lang naman haa... I don't deserved it. Anyways me mga reasons naman talaga lahat ng bagay. I am sure valid yun. Perooo JUDY ANN SANTOS I was really taken for granted.

~~whipping~~~
hehehehe I am honestly fine now.
Di man nila alam how I truly feel the other dayss, binabawi ko na... friends na tayo uli....
Syensya na... baliw yata ako ngayun, huh!?

By the way I'm not yet finished reading the Kite runner book~~~ pero I'm reallyy reallyyy inlove, ang lalim, ang ganda at nakaka-mature. Yun bang tipong you will try to think if one time in your life you have betrayed a friend para lang mahalin at tanggapin ka ng ama mo. Tapos after the betrayal you will realized na mahal ka pala ng ama mo kahit sino at ano ka pa kaya lang hindi mo nakita noon kasi bulag ka sa paniniwala na ang dream son ng papa mo ay yung kaibigan mo na di na niya itinuring na iba sa kanya. Sa kagustuhan mong angkinin lahat ng pagmamahal ng iyung ama ay isinakripisyo mo ang pagiging loyal na friend nya at ang tunay na pagmamahal nya sa iyo bilang tao. Na meron pa syang isinakripisyong dangal para lang mapatunayan na mahaL ka nga nya bilang kaibigan o yung love na mas higit pa sa pagmamahal nya sa kanyang sarili. And the worse thing there was you are aware of that big love offered for you. You never appreciate that love.
Nasa turning point na ako ngayun. Andito na sa chapter na hindi na SILA bata. Me sariling buhay na sya malayo dun sa taong sinaktan nya. But the guilt feelings was always there. He is still trying to have courage to face his past. To be good again. Will he do that? My god I dont know.... I'm excited. Ilang beses kaya ako napaiyak dito. Kainis... ~~huhuhu~~

Teach me your mood

Teach me to smile after you heart is beaten

Teach me to understand things while my mind is cloudy

Teach me your mood

Ten Things I recently love

This tag came from my first blogger friend here Twerlyn. I missed her wedding. Sayang talaga I was a bit busy at that time. Though every thing for her ended well. She is happily married and she’s carrying the baby of the man she truly love. Wow talaga… LOVE could really make this world perfect!!!

TeN ThInGs I ReCentLy LoVe

1. I love sharing secrets with my closed friends Jayvee and Alma;

2. I love discussing movie reviews, book insights and life’s trial with Jayvee;

3. I love reading the blogs of Moon, Lex, Jei, Eves, Kookie and Bianca. They are actually my favorite blogs. The friendship of Lex and Moonlae are one of the best thing happened to me.

4. I love being honest to my self. Expressing it in the nicest way I can. Avoiding to hurt their feelings. It is just sad because I am realizing to end my relationship with them. It’s useless. I’ve never been a bad friend ngayon lang talaga…. ngayon lang…

5. I love visiting the house of Twerlyn and Lira. They are actually one of the nicest people I have met. I am always grateful for their effort to reach out and the friendship is a real blessing.

6. I always love reading but for now I am hooked with this Kite Runner book authored by Khaled Hosseinni and now I am planning to buy another book from him entitled A thousand splendid suns.

7. I love playing with Bien and my other nephews and nieces

8. I love my hair now morethan ever

9. I love listening to the songs of some dead singers. I feel their soul.

10.I love british films.

It's true...
You may lose one
but you will gain more
(or maybe the one I lost is not really my friend at all
so I just let go)

Joan PLaza

Years na rin that we don't see each other.
Isa s'yang desente at matalinong dalaga na ninang ni Bien.
I am excited to have here now in the blogworld.
Kakaiba rin kasi ang talent ng personal na kaibigan kong ito.

Like my besfren Eves, I am very proud and excited to have a link with her.
Higit sa lahat isang di mapigilang damdamin ang nagtulak sa akin na i-post talaga sya.
I believed in her talents ~~~ 100 percent pwedeng i-multiply pa yan ng 10 times_ peksman!
Sabi nga ng isang kaibigan naming si joel e. na nagtatago sa pangalang Joaquin bordado (hehe) ~~ s'ya ay isang matalinong babae. Mabilis daw kumilos ang kanyang mga mata. Observer yata yun sa wikang banyaga. Actually natawa ako the way he brought out his comment in her. I just found this girl kasi na ordinary lang nung panahong nasa eskwela pa kami. Pero jyusko when Joel told me about his remarks ke Joan I started observing her. Di ko pa nga nasabi ang paghanga ko sa kakayahan nya pwere sa ugali ha? Jowwwkkk...mabait yan...tahimik na matalino na seXy (two piece kaya ang drama nyan sa Boracay years ago~~ hehehehh nambisto pa ako~~ peace~). Tama si Joel, that I could really say.

So before ako magbabakasyun together with my family sa Marbel South Cotabato....
let me share to you her URL. CliCk Joan

Lira's Tag

In times when most needed....
Thank you girl.... you are so kind.

Catching the falling leaves

When leaves are falling... some still find happiness in catching it
While Bien was waiting for his other classmates to start their practice
in the Kinder 2 graduation (there at the school's playground) he was mesmerized on the leaves that were falling.
When asked, I just told him that its their time to fall. The purpose was served and this is now the time for the new leaves to make food for its tree. He was looking into my eyes intently. Maybe trying to understand my words. Then he ran to the ground and started catching the falling leaves.
He was grinning once it touches him.
How I love the view.
Kids would really appreciate even the most ordinary things in this world.
It reminds me of my post last year about telling everyone that sometimes we need to think like a child.

For my bestfriend

I swear I love you and everytime it grows.
I understand that you are busy fixing your future.
Knowing you're just there and
reading your post everyday
is honestly enough
at least we still have connections

I've seen you grow, I've been there too in your happiest and loneliest times
You never forget to make me part of you
even if we are miles away
You are a perfect bestfriend
and I will never exchange you for anyone or anything

It is not you I'm referring Bes
You've never hurt me
Not once.

If only you can dig my heart
You will see that you are there
in a VERY SPECIAL SPOT

QuiTe MoNdaY

Mama Vicky and Tita Shane~!~ together with Tweety dad and Bien

Reflection

It is me who created my image. No one else.
For a moment I rely on my new friend Moonlae to validate my self.
I am glad that my confusions was not threatened at all.
I became hurt and resentful. Actually feeling neglected.
Or maybe a result of psycholigical hurts.
But it does not mean that I envied my friend whose happy now.
Siguro sumama lang ang loob sa ibang aspeto. Personal reasons ang hirap i-explain dito.

I searched the net and found the song suggested by Moonlae.
Reflection by Christina A.
I'd listen seriously.

Di naman pala ako selfish.
I will never be.

(Here's something for me)

Who am I?

Constantly changing.
Undergoing renovation
Or reconstruction
Would only be hurt
by people I respect
and the hurt motivates me
to remove or change certain feature
Flaws and faults
must be repaired
I am complete
The sense of emptiness
is only cause by anxiety
That incompleteness
will not rule me.

Mandy Moore in Manila

I can not help to smile while watching her interviewed on TV.
I always like her.
Everything in her.

ThE bIg i

This one is from my good friend Lira.
You know she is always friendly and sweet.
I'm so glad to have found someone like her .
Here's the tag! My completion...
~~drum beats~~~
Tarang!!!

• I AM… a seductive good witch
  
• I WANT... to be remembered as a good person
  
• I HAVE… loads of diaries. My life is documented since I was 9 years old. I could really look back literally in my past
  
• I WISH…to be with my mom and dad all the time
• I HATE…talking to pretentious people
  
• I FEAR… dogs
• I SEARCH…for a better place to live in
  
• I WONDER…why some filipino are squatters in our own country.
  
• I REGRET…to think why most of our farmers are poor?
  
• I LOVE… my self (because I can not give love when I don't have it)
  
• I ALWAYS…read good books, write my diary, take photos, edit videos and most of all read blogs that keeps my day happy.
  
• I AM NOT…patient but I keep my sanity intact
  
• I DANCE…in the community where I work, I dance during special affairs in my son's school and I dance every morning when I wakes up
  
• I SING…sheyyyttttt... I don't really sing. Whenever I would try, my tonsil will pop out.
  
• I CRY… when I watch sad movies...and I would really cry out...
  
• I WRITE…it is part of my life. there is no born writer~~~ every body has the right to write.
  
• I WON…good friends everywhere I go
  
• I AM CONFUSED…with the way our country goes...
  
• I NEED…to go to gym at least once a week
  
• I SHOULD…stay healthy and curvy..hehehehe
  

THE LAST THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH IS…(like Lira ) prayers as well.. for the people I love and for this country.

Now I'm tagging Alexis, Moonlae and Jeon

In kidapawan river

Right after the graduation (in his second course) of my tweety dad
he brought us in Kidapawan River. The water is clean and you can still see fishes enjoying their habitat. My son even even explained to me the definition of a river. That according to him the river is a natural large stream and its water flows continuously to the sea. It's kinda refreshing to watch him discussing with us his learnings from school. Kids nowadays are different. They would really discussed to you and even challenge your way of thinking. I was with my other family. My husband's sister, mom and brother. Sure we have fun and even enjoyed the company of each other. .

Advance happy birthday

Remember when we thought we will never survive and even the single thing becomes rough?
It's funny dad...
when now I was just thinking of the first time
when you made me feel like wanting the whole world to be singing and dancing in my eyes
when my heart was shouting that I've finally find someone.

I have not said my gratitude and respect for you
I'd like to thank you for needing me during those times
when I feel like I couldn't do more.

Something will never change
All our good times
and the not so bad will just be there to keep us inspired

It is good to love
than making love

Advansey Happee Beerterree..

Good thing

Bien's final examination will be on Monday.
It covers seven (7) subjects and the pointers for the test include everything from cover to cover. I just finished talking to my Chinese client about the company's demand to finished the Initial Environmental Examination Report (IEE) and have it submitted on monday when I was informed about the exam. Really, I am cramming. I can not afford to take my son's finals for granted. The competition in their class is toughed. So I told him to study very well even with out me torturing tutoring him. He told me that he is fine and ready when I asked him if he is a little scared in the finals.
" I won't die Mom if I can not make it but I will make it."
I was stoned.
Teka.....me' laman ata 'tong reaction ni Bien... Hmmm... that's another story. I need to reflect on this thoroughly.

The good thing is I do better when pressured.
While I am currently working on here, Bien is also studying on the other side.
We are not talking.
He was just reading his books and putting some highlights using the yellow highlighter pen and post-it. At an early age, they were trained (in school) memorizing and comprehending the subjects on their own.
It is cool to realized that we are doing our own stuff seriously. Oh-uh I think he is more serious than me. Anyways~~~ I won't be sleeping this night to cope with my deadline.

Kite Runner

I am trying to find this book here in GenSan today.
I couldn't find one.
Last week when I was in Davao I've seen it in the bookstore pero I just ignored it.
The synopsis of the story is quite nice.
Me movie na nga pala.
Infact during the showing of My BFGF last month I saw it posted in one of the cinema here.
I have this gut feelin' that I would truly enjoy this one.
Next week I will surely have this book.
PROMISE.

Ang 'tweet ni Dad

We were riding a bus going to Davao when Dadi Ervs asked me thru text as to what time could we (with Bien) be there. Our meeting place is in SM National Bookstore. And I just sent him back my text that goes like this: ~~~heart beats~~~.
Actually nasa Matina na kami.... minutes na lang to be there in SM.
Then the bus stopped na. Obviously pababa na kmi ng SM.
We were so excited to surprise him.
We haven't seen each other for months na rin though we always communicate in the net and phone.
You know as I was stepping down the bus, it was honestly me who got surprised.
Andun si Dad nakaabang na sa amin.
~~~I was giggling~~~
You could imagine my smile. I was actually grinning and Bien was already shouting that "Dad is here!!!"
It was a simple gesture but I appreciate it a lot.
Ang sweet talaga.
Our weekend dad is with us now.
We don't live and sleep together everyday because he was working in Davao and I'm having my workloads in Gensan.
I could see how he was trying to give his best for us.
All his sacrifices waking up with out me and BS in his side isn't that easy.
We have talked and decided about this already. All settled~~...
All for our future.
In a years time (With God's help) I prayed so intently na sana katulad ng dati magkakasama-sama uli kami.

It was funny to realized that when we live together before nag-aaway kami parati.
We love each other but we fight almost everyday. Nakakasawa. Nakakapagod.

Dumating yung time na parang we don't wanna go on in this relationship.
Basta ang haba ng pangyayari. Until Bread of life (it is a born again Christian church) became part of our life. There we realized our differences.
I slowly understand him and love him more despite of....
It was also me who needs a lot of space.
'Andami ko palang demands.
I want him to be the man of my dreams.
The man in the love-stories I have read.
The man I have created in my mind.
Bad..... si Ervien s'ya hindi si Adonis ng imagination ko.

Now As I was looking at him.
I could see how much he loves me.
How I made him smile even in a little things I do.
Kami ni Bien.
We can easily make him smile and laugh.
Ang sarap palang kasama 'nung taong di mahirap i-please.
All this time..ambait nya pala....
It was only me who created my own ghost.

You know if you love someone
It is very easy to appreciate him even in his little ways.
Sarap pala ng ganun.
Hassle-free.
Now kinikilig ako ulit.
Kinakabahan when his with me...
shocksss...
May magic ulit.
As to how we keep it alive
di ko alam
all I now
I am happy now.
Thanks God.