Mar 27, 2007

Nurturing Pride

I almost want to quit about Shane’s attitudes towards socialization. She’s so near yet so far. A puppet-like in fact. As I don’t believed her stories in being abused and raped during her younger years, I had accepted it as a way to bring her close again to the family. Nap and I had the same belief on this though.

She had big changes in her studies. This way I really am so happy that she is taking her best step forward. I can see in her eyes her eagerness to impress herself and her family as well. It may be still long way to go but I know she can really make it.

She is allergic in my presence. I can see her being at ease with Gina while so affected in me. I just told my self that there is really something wrong in the way I conveyed my self to her. I examined my heart and indeed I really don’t know why despite of the effort I made and is still trying to make I can not find her inside my heart as a sister or as a person. Do I see her as one? Honestly until now I see her as a puppet. So hurt and so wild inside. Being away and lonesome is only her defense mechanism to nurture her pride. It was her pride that keeps her away and its her pride that keeps her sanity intact.

Believed me when I say that she is a different person inside. Look at her smiles and the way she emotes in her pictures taken by her alone. She was so free and so feral. If She is only in her natural habitat you will never believed the Shane you had been seeing right now. And that’s the real Shane…… where could she possibly acquired such behavior? I could say Genes. I wish to investigate more about her real roots. I had been asking Ervien about it and really what I am seeing in her attitudes has no difference from the stories laid by my husband.

She will be a threat if not taken care by the family. It is just so hard to enumerate the reasons here for I can not assure the privacy of my PC.

Is she still a pervert? I had a series of readings about her personality. On Paulo Coehlos Veronica Decides to die, I see her all through while reading it for about 3 times. It was also followed by a lot of books trying to understand what she had been through.

What I realized about her being so indifferent in me is the factor that I had been reading her too much. Digging more on her makes her sick. As I was trying to understand her, the more I think Im hurting her.

Well, she has been in to a lot of pain…. Enduring it all by herself. Thats how strong she is. She might not yet discover her inner talents but as I consistently told her that she is really somebody. What a waste if she will not widen what God had given her.