DOORWAY

Every time you heal a part of yourself, you bring more light into the world-

unknown author

(While writing this, LeAnn Rhimes, whose angelic pure voice came to me through the speaker of my computer surrounding the room at around 2 am today. Inspiring me to write and allowing me to focus as I listened to her song entitled ´ The Rose` over and over and over)

Slowly as I looked at this child today, I can not forget how he was two years ago when I still have an 8-hour job in SMICZMP, a special project of DENR based in Southern Mindanao. Back then I felt the humiliation and embarrassment. Sometimes when he gets wild I just stood in front of him, grief-stricken and ashamed. Angrily I asked, Why God? Why my son is like this? The depth of my pain seemed unbearable. We are confused of why he was acting like a wild tiger, a human tornado in fact. The doctor said what my son is suffering is not autism…but you see… I am still scared… the disorder is not yet specified.

We spend our days analyzing and researching what was wrong. Until one day our Pedia referred us to the expert. Ervien and I decided to get a full evaluation. We were referred to an expert who seemed eminently qualified. From the referral letter given by Dr. Saavedra, it read:

Dr. Isaguerre
Licenced Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist

She looked good on the white long envelope.

I am not comfortable with the situation were in, but we have to appear reasonable for our own son's sake.

As we sat down, we sank into the chair uncomfortably. The doctor was now facing us. Asking so many questions regarding my son´s condition. Precisely this was only a prelude before evaluating our child.

During the evaluation I moved to BS and rub his back in the hope that it would help him focus on the test. We were not allowed to go inside the testing room.

From the mirror I could see my son who appeared to be tensed. I could understand the negative response of my son to nonverbal pressures. Anyone would feel that way when someone hovering judgementally over you.

The entire process was an eye-opening experience for me as a mother. This is a heart-wrenching moment for me and Ervien. I couldn’t tell the reliability of this doctor but we have to trust him.

Looking straight to the eyes of the doctor she told us that the child is suffering a hyperactive-secondary to emotional disorder.

We were stunned. Hyperactive because he was suffering emotionally? His level of energy might be considered hyperactive, he just don’t get along with people because he has many fears inside him. He can not express his emotions verbally because of fears. Fear for whom? I asked the doctor… then she answered that "that's what we will try to find out"

So he was enrolled right then into a school who caters this kind of disorder.

I began to understand my child why he was acting weirdly whenever we go to work. He was very scared of his yaya. The woman hurts him emotionally and physically. Oh, God!! And yet there was no body home to comfort him. It´s been two years since he was feeling suppressed and abused. He was only turning two years old for God's sake.

We need to moved on and let go of his yaya and all of the hurts the yaya inflicted to him and to all of the hurts we inflicted to our child as well (for freaking out whenever he gets wild… for not understanding him and for spanking him when we think he has been out the borderline, for not bringing him with us in a party, attending mass, malling, shopping thinking that he will only make a mess.). How mean!!!!

Part of our moving on was also resigning from my job. Well, since I am no longer happy with what is going on with my job (which brings me to the conclusion nga kung happy diay ko sa aku- ang job dili ko muresayn?) maybe it is God's way of telling me to really give up my job and focus my attention to my family.

I also needed to see my son differently. As someone who was abused and misunderstood.
So as my son underwent an occupational therapy, I also took mine.

Kindergarten

The first week started badly. As Bien loves the school, I can see that he was also thrilled to meet new friends and new environment. He loves his new teachers and thought that they were very smart. He also told us (Paputol-putol man, maiintindihan mo parin. By the way he can only understand English at that time) of all the things he was learning. Anyway we had a sparkling and stammering conversation with him. We enjoyed it immensely.

In sharp contrast to Bien's happy descriptions of school, his teachers told us that he just keeps on roaming around the classroom, grabbing toys from other classmates including their food. For that week in which BS was spending his class, my whole heart is crunching….. I was very tensed. I could no longer answer some questions that the other parents were asking me. Is the child okey? Is he autistic? Is he normal?

Hay , I also have my own struggles. He was pulled out from the regular class when he had bitten his classmate. Can you imagine how furious the mother of the victim to me? Gez…. He was then put in a special section. His new classmates were if not all mostly like him who were undergoing difficulty adjusting in their new environment.

The class was very chaotic. During his first day in that special section he was tied by his teachers. He got so wild and he had bitten another classmates again. The kind of discipline were explained to me and I told myself to once again trust them.

6 months later

Totally Bien is a different child today compared to what he was 6 months ago. He is tamed now, respectful, can talk visayan, tagalog and english fluently. Thanks to his therapist and to teacher Nida. In his special class session he always got perfect scores in all examinations. Until Teacher Nida and the principal of the school decided to put him back to his old section.

His old classmates welcomed him. Some teased him . Hoy abno….. hoy abno!

It pains me when he told me that his classmates told him that his crazy.

"Mommy sabi nya abnormal daw ako."

I got furious.

I went inside the class and talk to those children teasing him. I scared those children.

Gone are the days when I will just shut up. I will fight for my son's right to live and learn peacefully. I got some book and asked those children to read it. No one from that group reads well. I called my son and told him to read the book for them. Graciously he did it well. One child told the group that BS is very smart and I said you are right because he is better than you do. He is much brighter than you are.

Kawawang children….. natakot talaga sa akin. Then the teachers just smiled at me. Probably extending thoer patience to how I was feeling at that time.

I have talked to the parents and to the teachers after the said incident. Thank God most of them were very cooperative and for those who were not…. to hell with them!!

Now his in a regular section and we decided to still continue the therapy. He is doing well. He perfects his exams. He writes and reads better than most of his classmates and he got this Wordsmart award during their periodical recognition. Slowly Bien is proving his self worth to his classmates on his own.

I am so happy. God showed me the doorway to improved my son.

I am so sorry for questioning him.

He knows better.