Love and Madness

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, and vices floated around and were bored, not knowing what to do.
One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: "Let's play hide and seek!"
All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the others agreed.
Madness leaned against a tree and started to count: "One, two, three..."
As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding.
Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon...
Treason hid in a pile of garbage...
Fondness curled up between the clouds...and
Passion went to the centre of the earth....
Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake... whilst
Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking.
And Madness continued to count: .... "seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."
By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.
Madness: "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..."
Just when Madness got to one hundred..... ....Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid.
And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!"
As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the centre of the earth. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love.
Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.
Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness: "You only need to find Love and Love is hiding in the rose bush."
Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rosebush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop.
Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes.
Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork. "What have I done! What have I done!" Madness shouted. "I have left you blind! How can I repair it?"
And Love answered: "You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."
And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

His heart bleeds

(while being so inlove with my cyberman, this was how I feel for my husband. I really am so bitchhh..)

When I told him honestly about my true feelings he told me that he is a changed person now. In a fair view, yes, indeed He is and still trying to be a better person. But its still the same, he had no time for us. He do not know how to manage it to make us feel loved. I am not honestly happy with him anymore though God knows I am trying so hard.

Im living with my parents now. Sila yung katulong ko sa pag aayos ng buhay ni BS. Di ko kakayanin sa Davao kasi mag-isa lang naman ako kahit dalawa pa kami ni Ervien.
Si Ervien if he reaaly wants to spend time, wala na dapat excuses. Sya na ang magkukusa. Pero ayun, aawayin o pakukunsenyahin ko pa minsan. Or i-dedemand ko talaga na every weekend dito sya.

Napagod na ako sa kare-reach out.
Living in my parent, sleeping in my old room, help me gain back my self confidence. The happy Lovielly na nawala since I joined the family of Mendoza.

Si BS nga di na rin sya namimiss. Satisfied na si BS sa presence ng mga brothers ko and Lolo nya, cousins and lola merly nya.

If you can only see him now? Wala kang makikitang trace na irritable child sya before. happy na ang kanyang aura. Masahin na syang bata

Nakakangiti, nakakabungisngis, nakikipaglaro at marunong na rin mag share.

His heart bleeds daw sa truth na sinabi ko but at least I'm honest.
My heart? It has bleed many many times already because of him. He knows that... infact he was so sorry for everything. Pero paano yan? Nasagad na yata ako.
and worst.... i feel so happy looking at him na nasasaktan. Naku po!! Ano na to?

Eight days after BS was Born

The day that we were advice to go out from the hospital, that was 5 days after BS was born, mommy told me that something was wrong ke BS. Obserbahan ko daw. I take note of it. Sinabihan ko si Ervien, pero sa sobrang kabaitan nga, tahimik lang sya, ni hindi man lang kumibo.

True enough, palaging nag je-jerk ang bata. So hindi na ako mapakali nun, kaya kinulit ko ng kinulit si Ervien na ipacheck-up na ito. naging sanhi pa nga ng away namin ulit. To discover lang na si mama pala ang nagasulsul sa kanya na kaartehan ko lang daw yun, at gastos na naman daw ang hanap ko.

What do you think would I feel? Kaartehan, kahit sya nakikita nya naman na nagajerk si BS. Normal lang daw yun sabi nilang mag-ina? Normal ba yung halos kada-oras may involuntary movement ang beybi?

Tapos ang kapal ng mukha ng mag-ina kasi gastos pa ang inisip na nanany ko naman ang nagbayad ng hospital bill ko na worth 28 thousand pesos. During the first day after an hour I gave birth to my son, nagparinig pa nag mama bakit nagprivate -private daw ako. Ano daw ang ibabayad ni Ervien. Napakawalang awa naman nito sa akin?

Siguro nga kasi di nya alam na parent ko ang magbabayad.

And so back to BS.

With or with out Erviens Approval, pinacheck -up ko si BS. Nag away pa kami bago sya sumama at umabsent sa office nya. Yun kulang pala ng calcium kailangang i hospital para malagyan ng calcium through dextrose. Wala pang oral intake ng calcium nun.

Ervien brought my newly born son sa ward.... nagulat ako.
Andaming mas may sakit na bata dun, di pa to nag iisip na baka mahawaan ang anak nya?After 5 minutes sa ward dumating ang nanay nya to confirm kung sa ward nga naadmit ang bata gaya yata ng pinag-usapan nila.

My heart bleeds many times sa ginagawa nng asawa ko but para lang di sya mainsulto, kinausap ko ang mommy na pakiusapan at pakiliwanagan si Ervien na delikado si BS dun.

Yun at nakinig din ang ending? Mommy ko rin ang nagbayad.

Im just so lucky to have my mom and my papa at that point of my life. They were my strength to fight para sa mag ama ko. Kay Bs na palaging naoospital at ke Ervien na walang desisyon at paninindigan.

Pwede nya akong saktan kapag napre-pressure ng nanay nya. Di nya lang kaya physically kasi ilalaban ko ng patayan ang karapatan ko. Ang tapang ko pagdating dyan. Eto lang yung mahirap, kapag Im alone with my son sa house, umiiyak na ako. Minsan kausap si mommy na parating nagpapatibay ng loob ko. So when Ervien gets home, okey na naman akong tingnan. But I have been hurting many times inside.

Ang nakakatawa pa during the hospitalization ni BS, Si Ervien told me na sabi daw ni mama vicky i-pull out na lang daw si BS sa hospital kasi nanguarta lang daw ang doctor. Grabeee away na naman kami. Of course bakit ko naman papayagan yun?

Emotionaly battered

Anim na taon din akong emotionally battered. Di nga lang halata kasi naman strong ang personality ko. Ayaw ko man siraan ang napakabait kong asawa pero siya ang naging dahilan ng mga pains ko.

Pero God knows na ipinaglaban ko yun.Ipinaglaban ko silang dalawa ni BS. An dami kong ginive-up ang masakit pa nun, pati yung tiwala ko sa sarili kong kakayahan nawala at nanghina rin. Ang lakas lang talaga ng love na naipundar ng family ko sa akin kaya until now, na-hold on ko pa to.

Ibinuhos ko ang buong pagkatao ko, maiparating lang sa kanya ng ilang ulit at ilang beses (kasali na doon yung mga bangayan namin tulad ng biakan ng timba sa loob ng banyo, ang pananakit nya sa akin tuwing naprepressure physically pero mas lalo na psychologically) na mali yun ginagawa nya. Nasasaktan na ako pero tila yata di pa rin nya ito naiintindihan.

Palagi syang may channel na inilalagay para lang mapagtakpan o magkaroon ng dahilang maiwasan ang responsibilidad nya sa akin bilang asawa at kay BS bilang ama. Minsan lang makipaglaro yan sa bata, ke dali pang magsawa, tahimik lang sa isang tabi, o di kaya matutulog o manonood ng DVD. Samantalang naghihintay naman kami ng anak nya sa kunting panahon na pwedeng ibigay sa amin. Form monday-Friday nasa work sya, gabi na kung umuwi kasi pinagsisilbihan pa nanay nya. Dun me oras sya eversince the day I got married to him and the next day I was married to him, nasa nanay nya siya nagsisilbi and until years of being together hanggang pagmulan na ito ng away namain.

Saturday, natutulog pa kami, andyuan na ang mama sinusundo sya sabay pasaring na maghahanap buhay sila ng anak nya. So sa pagkakaintindi ko para sa amin. Sunday, syempre pagod na yung tao. Ultimo pagsisimba , minsan lang magawa. pag gising kakain, aalagaan ko, pagsisilbihan ko kahit we are both earning for the family.

Yung attention bilang asawa at attention bilang anak para ke BS kapos kami nun. Ako ang pumuno ke BS. Kesohodang 1 week ako absent basta everytime na on-field ako at di kasama ng ilang liggo ang anak ko, asahan mong aabsent ako nyan to fill the attention and love na di ko naibigay ke BS. Yun di nya maintindihan. para sa kanya, pera ang kalingan. Perang di naman nya kayang ibigay when BS needs it. Perang uutangin pa nya sa nanay nya, at me interest pa para ibayad sa doctor, gamot at etc. ng anak nya.

Naisip ko nga, asan na yung saturdays and other holidays na pagsisilbi nya sa farm nila kung in times of need nanay ko pa ang magpapadala ng pera pang hospital ng anak namin ant pang gamot?
Ano yun? sinayang sa panahon?
ano yun pagmamahal?

Ang suwerte lang ni Ervien, kasi ang galing ng PR ko sa kanya.
Ang bait at ang bango nya sa mga kamag-anak at kaibigan ko.
Na ang dating ba kapag naghiwalay kami, eh ako pa yung nagkulang.
Samantalang ako naman yung nagbigay ng sobra-sobra.
Sobra-sobrang di man lang na-appreciate.
Sobra-sobrang love na hindoi desrving yung love na sinasabi nya for me.

Hey !!!

Next to Andy G. Lee Dong Wook keeps me young and sexy. hehehehe

Everything in my life is doing good.
My son finally recovered from his trauma.
I already have a good relation to my mother-inlaw who have caused us lot of pains and adjustments as a couple but certainly made me and Ervien a better person.
I just gained my self confidence that was lost during my lawschool days in Ateneo and
I also gained my morale as a person na medyo tinapaktakan noong nasa SMICZMP pa ako nagwo-work.

But I have lost one very important feelings that I should still have in me.
I lost my love for Ervien.
As to why I lost it, he knows already.

Three days after our 6 years wedding anniversary, we have talked about it.
In fairness to me, he knows the reason why I have lost it.
He blames himself and he asked for anotjher chance to show me how much he loves me.

There was no third party on my part. Talagang ganun, na after ko ipaglaban at iayos lahat lahat sa buhay naming tatlo....bigla na lang nawala.
Napagod na yata ako. Ewan ko bah!
Mabait naman si Ervien bilang tao, kaibigan, ama, asawa, anak.

I should be happy dapat kasi God is always good to us.