Jan 31, 2007

Misty Years

(darkness: 2001-2004)

Whenever I looked at the mirror, I can see a woman who is no longer happy with her life.

My God, could it be true that she is nothing? This woman slowly believes in what she is feeling about her surrounding. Her workplace, her in-laws and her husband.

In her workplace, there are people who keeps her down. In fact experts at deflecting blame on her. She was being drawn in owning their failures until they think that this lady became a big loser.

She is also encountering some inevitable disappointments and loss of freedom caused by her mother-in-law from the day she conceived her first grandson until she got married, delivered the baby and even during the days of being together with her husband as a wife and a mother.

Thinking that her husband will just be there for a consolation that he cares about what she is going through. But he doesn’t show up. Physically he is but emotionally he wasn’t. He downplayed her pain. Denied the situation. Blinded. She became numb. Bitter. Crippled her relationship to herself which causes her to react in unbecoming ways.

Her husband cant even decide for his own self. He was also in prison as she was becoming to be like him. Puppet. Weak. Poor. Dictated by his own mother.

While her son is also suffering from a disorder in which the doctor can not even diagnosed its kind. All she knows is that the child acts like a human tornado. Can't stay in one place even for two minutes. Echoing what you are just going to tell him. Has a difficulty in expressing himself. At three years old, he still can't talk well. Can't look at you straight in eyes during a conversation. He might be an autistic child. God forbid!!!!

They are no longer free to be their own selves.

This is a social situation were she is easily preoccupied with her own insecurities.

She has been a diligent worker, kind colleague , loving wife, understanding daughter-in-law and just to make everybody happy, she has been trying to be obedient to all.

She kept her anger to herself until she could no longer connect to the woman in the mirror facing her. Then I realized that the woman in the mirror is me. To figure out, I just lost my affection for my self.

Giving myself a break

The moment I realized that the woman I was seeing in the mirror is me, I paused for a while and told my self ´Hey, for heavens sake, give yourself a break! My husband and my son needs me. I am stronger than them so I should pull them out from this mess! (Instead of them pulling me down)

I realized to make a difference without risking my physical and emotional health.

From this day on, I will deal with my own failures and must put them behind me.

My son is now walking in front of me presumably asking for a dodo. He must be very hungry now. According to Victor Hugo: Youth , even in its sorrows, has a brilliancy of its own. So in my own interpretation, I must find beauty in every stage of my son's life.

Youth is fleeting and yet it is a critical time for establishing a balance self image and positive attitude. I will invest my time, kindness and patience to BS. In Gods grace, he will soon recover and will also live a healthy life just like any other kids.

If I am going to continue nagging my husband it will only rob me my best. I must talk to him and dearly try to bring out the best in him. I know he loves me more than I love him.

I should also require my self to practice the skill of listening and determination. To master it, I must be willing to spend more time to my mother-in-law while closing my mouth and consciously focus in every words she's saying. I know one day, I will be given the chance to be heard and I will make a difference in her life as a true listener who will listen with ears, head and heart.

Saint-Exupery once written that there is no joy, except in human relations.

I will begin today to put people first in my life. I will start with Mama, Ervien and BS.

Now looking at the mirror again, I can see my self smiling honestly after 3 years of holding on to my pains. Its been a while nursing a grudge in my heart. It affects me and everyone around. The feelings are deeply engraved in my heart. Now I realized that it only weakens my relationship to other people.

I have to let go of these resentment. I hope to have a miracle when I begin my step to a happy life today.

Later I have to honestly open everything to my beloved husband(when he gets home of course). Words are power! I must have put every words lovingly to him for tomorrow I will report to my office again to hand on my resignation.

My son needs me so I shouldn’t hide anymore. Anyway, its never too late to turn over a new leaf if you really want to make a difference.

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